For the past year I've felt at war with my body.
Health is my job. I spend a ridiculous amount of time learning about it, both through research and experimenting with my own body. I have a pretty good idea of what my body needs to thrive and generally feel in control and at peace with it.
Nervous system regulation has never been my strength. When life turns upside down, to be honest, I'm not great at handling it. For that reason, I've created a slow life with lots of space for grounding and relaxation, and it's had profound affects on my overall health. It's been much easier to manage my weight and keep my PCOS, Endometriosis and migraines in remission. I wish that was the end of the story, but alas, the universe knows that I'm here for the growth.
At the beginning of 2023 I found out that my partner had betrayed my trust in a really big way.
It shook me to my core and stirred up a host of wounds from my past. I could have chosen to walk away and keep my peace, but instead I chose to face these things head on with my partner and began the gruelling journey of rebuilding trust and safety. Having my physical health in check, I felt confident in tackling the challenges ahead. Looking back, I realize how naive this sentiment was.
I've known for a long time that emotional and physical health are interconnected but I was about to learn this lesson on a whole new level.
During the initial shock I wasn't able to eat much, but continued to exercise as a way to move trapped energy and keep myself sane. I was absolutely devastated and feeling emotionally unsafe, which sent my cortisol through the roof, giving me unlimited energy and no appetite. It gave me a false sense of well being (cortisol can make us feel really good) and left me feeling like I was handling everything suspiciously well.
Fast forward 8 months and I finally started to run out of gas. Eight months is a long time to run on peak cortisol, but remember, I started in a place of pretty exceptional health. I started with a very full tank, and after 8 months, the gas ran out and I entered burnout. I gained 20lbs in two months, my face became puffy and round, my body felt like lead and all I could think about was refined carbs. I was so exhausted that even walking to the bathroom felt like a chore. My memory started to go and the brain fog was real.
In February 2024 a burst ovarian cyst dropped me to my knees and I knew that my PCOS had come out of remission.
My migraines were back with a vengeance, and I was left throwing up in the dark twice a month; once at ovulation and once at the start of menstruation.
My identity and my work were so intertwined with my health that I felt completely hopeless.
I was doing the supplements, I was doing the diet, I was exercising despite the exhaustion and nothing was moving the needle. Once I zoomed out and looked at the big picture I realized that I was focusing on the pillars of health that felt easy to me, but didn't need attention, and avoiding the pillar that was screaming at me. My body didn't feel safe, and all the finessing of diet, supplements and exercise wasn't going to make up for that.
I had to address the pillar that is the most challenging for me; nervous system regulation.
Sometimes finding emotional safety is easy. Sometimes you can simply walk away from the person, place or thing that is making you feel dysregulated. In my case, I was choosing to rebuild safety with this person who I felt emotionally unsafe with, which wasn't going to happen overnight, and required me to address a lot of deeper things within myself. I realized that I was trying to smooth things over and create some sense of calm, without doing the actual work that was needed. Our nervous system is very smart. Even if things are calm on the surface, it knows if you feel unsafe, and your body will let you know in a variety of fun symptoms.
With this new realization, I began the hard work. Finding my voice, creating healthy boundaries and rebuilding my self esteem.
I started spending more time being present with myself rather than distracting, took a break from intense exercise and gave myself permission to just be exactly where I was with no judgment.
The work is paying off and I can tell that my body is feeling much safer these days. I'm not as jumpy or emotional, the extra lbs are starting to come off and my migraines and ovarian cyst pain are significantly diminished. Me and my partner have found a deeper sense of intimacy and trust, which was a key piece to this whole puzzle.
January 2023 I was at a crossroads. I could have decided that I wasn't willing or able to go through the physical toll that repairing would have on my body, or I could choose to take the bumpy ride, with all the lessons along the way. Given that I had a lot of tools to keep my head above water, I was ready to go deeper with myself and I had a partner who also wanted to do the hard work, staying was the right decision for me.
When faced with a situation that dysregulates your nervous system, there's no right decision when choosing to stay or exit, but it's important to know that staying will have a physical toll on the body.
If you can accept this going into it, the whole process will be a lot easier. I wish this is something I would have given myself more grace on, but I naively thought I could supplement, diet and exercise my way through it.
The experience humbled me. Incredibly. I'm coming out of it with with a deeper respect for my nervous system and the mind/body connection. An important lesson that our physical body is only a very small piece of our overall health, and without emotional health, physical health will be illusive.
These days I focus on nervous system support a lot more with my clients. I screen for acute and chronic stress with cortisol levels and mineral status and make it a priority, because if we don't, we'll be chasing our tails with everything else.
If you're stuck in a state of chronic stress or emotional unsafety and are experiencing physical symptoms, please reach out to me or another health practitioner that you trust and get some support. The journey of finding peace with yourself, your situation and your body is a lot easier with some guidance.
x Nicola
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